I don’t mean to be dense, but I am not exactly sure what this question is getting at. What relationships have a positive impact on me? Is it supposed to read “what relationships have HAD a positive impact on me” because that makes way more sense to me. The way it’s worded feels tricky, like there’s some general kind of relationships that have a positive impact on me. Like teachers have a positive impact on people. Or doctors? I’m pretty sure it’s missing the word HAD because that’s the only thing that really makes sense to me.
I think I’d really rather answer what relationships have had a negative impact on me because often, more people impact me positively than negatively. But I think, for me, acknowledging that times I felt like someone was a good friend or partner but they actually were terrible to me and for me is way more important. AS a result of my upbringing, I always held myself accountable for everything that was bad in a friendship or relationship. If I felt that someone wasn’t being kind to me, I felt like I had no business complaining about it and that I should be grateful that they gave me any effort at all.
I grew up thinking I was a truly terrible, awful person who deserved bad things. The power of words on a small child cannot be overstated. When you focus on the most negative aspects of a child’s personality and child-like actions, you break them. You make them so self conscious and unable to believe in themselves. Furthermore, if you set out to destroy them (or “humble” them, as my father put it), you will be fully successful in accomplishing that.
I am really struggling with my father again. Well, not really struggling, just seeing who he is fully. And seeing exactly how the damage happened. I don’t understand his motivations, but as memories come back to me, I can see what my next actions need to be. I have to continue keeping my distance emotionally because I cannot handle the manipulation and frustration of his lack of accountability.
His birthday was a few weeks ago and I feel like I somehow didn’t do what I was supposed to do. I somehow didn’t wish him happy birthday early enough, emphatically enough, or something. He never did thank me for the gift I sent and he kept his distance, not really acknowledging that I was alive for a long time. But then yesterday, he messaged me something out of the blue and he was fine and the most friendly he’s been in awhile.
And all I feel is numbness and annoyance. Like, “Ok, so we are good now because you’ve decided that we are good now?”
No, we are not good. We will never be good. You don’t get to come and go and expect me to stay emotionally connected the entire time while you get to come and go when you’ve decided that I am the bad person who didn’t do or say enough.
So I have learned to accept less than what most people in expect in relationships. I have been treated poorly by friends, coworkers, bosses, partners, and strangers. And I took it to heart as somehow my fault every time. There’s only one adult in this entire world who has consistently shown me that I deserve better.
So I guess the positive side of these negative relationships is that I no know what I am NOT going to accept from anyone. No one gets to make me feel like I am not good enough any longer.
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