Zander's Inside Voice

I have always wanted to be an artist who can draw. I can’t draw. For a long time I wanted to be able to sing. I can’t sing. I can read music and play instruments, but I can’t sing. I can write. I enjoy painting that is more abstract. I wasn’t good with clay. I can’t knit, crochet, or cross stitch. I’m not sure that I want to do those anyway. I used to do latch hook as a kid, but I’m not really interested in that anymore. I feel this crazy urge to create but it’s like I lack the actual ability to create in the ways I want to create.

I’m trying to think of writing as creating and what really helps is thinking about blogging as creating content. I didn’t even realize how prolific I have been with blogging. I generally just write when the mood strikes me because otherwise it’s forced and I don’t finish those drafts at all. I don’t care if I ever make money blogging or if I have a million followers. For me, it’s just an expression of this creative energy that can’t come out any other way.

It also comes out on the soccer field with my team. The Air Force pretty much destroyed my body so that I cannot play anymore. I can’t really run much and every time I’ve tried to pass for more than 1-2 passes, my ankles and achilles tendons scream at me for days. I am definitely too broken to play. But I have learned to see the field in a way that I never could as a player. I can dream up plays and practice drills that are fun and hopefully teach the players some skills.

I have realized that my life is better when I am doing these things. I am more grounded and balanced. I feel a peace that isn’t usually there, unless I am creating. It has been so good for my soul to find these outlets.

In college, I took a couple art classes. I enjoyed myself so much that I thought about making it my minor. When I mentioned it to the art professor, he basically told me that I had no talent. And so I never took another art class. I was so sad because I had really enjoyed myself and I felt like I was developing a little bit of talent. Like I could recognize what I was drawing and painting. Instead of just telling myself to keep taking classes and enjoying myself, I did not allow myself the opportunity to create. I let someone else take this from me.

Now that I am older and wiser, I won’t let anyone take that from me again. I don’t care if I never publish a book; I will keep writing regardless of what anything thinks I should do. I know that soccer coaching won’t continue forever but I will enjoy every minute of that too. It’s been a huge part of my life these last few months. I can just enjoy that time coaching and watching these kids grow into better people and soccer players.